Health Media Today
Health Media Today is a leading network of Canadian Health and Wellness web sites. The network provides the latest news, advice and opinions from Canadians for Canadians.
Is Never Fighting Abnormal in a Relationship
Author : Dale Curd, Guy Talk Category : Mens Health
I never get angry. I’ve been married for 20 years and my wife and I have never had an argument and I’ve never raised my voice to her. My friends tell me that I’m not normal – is this true?
B.G. Montreal
Well you’re not abnormal, rare perhaps, but not abnormal. I’ve probably worked with hundreds of men and I’ve met many who tell me they don’t get angry and I’ve only met one I believed. Out of the many who tell me they don’t get angry what they’ve discovered is that they weren’t allowing themselves to express anger because of either strongly held internal beliefs or, out of a reaction to a traumatic, childhood experience with anger. In my Anger Inc. TM workshops some of those men had their anger stifled as children by a parent or guardian while others discover they self-limit being angry as a reaction to witnessing someone being destructive and violent while angry.
Anger is a normal feeling that we are all hard-wired to feel and express. It is our most powerful feeling and the one that helps us identify when a personal boundary has been crossed or when we have a strong want or need, or most often, when we are in a perceived threat or state of powerlessness. Anger is the quickest route from powerlessness to a state of empowerment. Most of us are going to experience all of these types of anger triggers through the course of being in relationships with others. In fact, relationships by design are perfect hotbeds of triggers for anger as the individuals work through their intimacy blocks to form a tight, cohesive deep union. And if relationships are ripe with triggers, by extension so is life; reality is by definition ‘real.’ This means it’s not easy or smooth rather it’s bumpy and difficult. This is my primary reason for creating Anger Inc. TM, to help men learn healthy ways of coping with real life.
I wont’ comment on your marriage except to offer you that I’ve worked with couples who have told me they have never fought and those relationships are perfect on the surface. Just below that veneer is a minefield of experiences, history, and unspoken comments that each person has made a commitment to not expose. It’s like they’ve agreed to be best friends and roommates but not an intimately bonded couple. The interesting aspect of these relationships is that they while they lack conflict they are also empty of deep passion. Trading off conflict for passion may seem obvious in the beginning over the long term however, I think it’s a deal with the devil. Personally, I’d rather have a real, conflict-ridden, passionate, deeply loving relationship than one where “we get along great with each other.” That’s me, what is it you really want?
Dale Curd is a counselor, host of GuyTalk on Newstalk 1010. Anger Inc. is his groundbreaking workshop for men – go to www.dalecurd.com for more information.
