Q. I have a problem. My fiancé wants to have kids and a family and I don’t. She promises me that she will be raising any kids by herself but I don’t know if I should trust her. What happens if she changes her mind - I don’t want to be stuck with kids that I never wanted? 

 

A. I guarantee you she is going to change her mind. The question to be asking yourself right now is how come you want to marry a woman who wants something, (children), so fundamentally opposed to what you want? If you don’t ask yourself this question and arrive at an answer – you’ll set yourself up for a lifetime of resentment and disappointment and you’ll set her up for a prison sentence rather than a marriage. BTW, I’d be asking her the same question. The question regarding having or not having a family is a big, necessary discussion that every couple needs to have before they say, “I do.”  

 

 I’d be suspicious of her desire to placate your concerns about having children because she’s only human and after the blush of having children has worn off and the work of being a conscious parent has begun she is going to resent your lack of commitment and involvement in the family. I’d also be wary of your desire to believe her. I imagine somewhere deep inside you know this is a big sacrifice for her and whatever your reasons are for not wanting to be a father – you will end up being de-facto father to these children. For many men that I work with being a father is loaded with all of the un-finished business they have with their own fathers that they have dragged along like miss-placed baggage for most of their lives. There are lots of men out there who believe they don’t have the right stuff to be a dad because the father they had disappeared, abused them, or was less than par. 

 

This couldn’t be further from the truth. Being a parent is all about re-discovering unconditional love and learning the boundaries of how you make a commitment. I say re-discovering because all children are born with the ability and willingness to love others unconditionally. As we mature we become conditioned to closing ourselves up so we minimize the pain of rejection. Having a child will force you to open back up again and for some men that can be an extremely painful journey. Making a commitment to love another is a constant, moment-by-moment, choice, which tests the limits of my ego’s defenses.   In order to be a conscious father I must be on guard for situations where my mind insists that I am better than, less than, or in conflict with my child. It’s back to the drawing board for you my friend. Sit down with a counselor who can help you become clear about why you don’t want children and get the necessary information to have a deeper conversation with your fiancé.