Health Media Today
Health Media Today is a leading network of Canadian Health and Wellness web sites. The network provides the latest news, advice and opinions from Canadians for Canadians.
My Daughter is dating a Deadbeat
Author : Dale Curd, Guy Talk Category : Health and Wellness
Q. My teenage daughter is out of control. She is 17 and was top in her class at school and always involved in lots of sports. Now she’s got a boyfriend – a guy who sleeps in and constantly misses school. My wife and I can’t seem to pry her away from his influence – what should we do?
A. It’s natural for teenagers to break away from their parents at some time during puberty. Often, this pull away means that they will say and do things which are out of character and perhaps even self-destructive. Being a teenager is all about defining yourself, your likes and dis-likes, your physical, mental and emotional limits and experimenting with love, sex and relationships. So it is normal for teenagers to re-define themselves during puberty and often this process of evolving their personality continues well into their twenties and thirties. As a parent what is important to understand is that inside of your teenage daughter there is still a little girl who is doing her best to navigate the world with the tools you have given her and those she has picked up from others along the way.
So what I ask you to understand is that your daughter is going through a process and what she does now and who she is choosing to be will change. The key as her father to helping her is to separate her from her behaviour. By that I mean make a distinction between what she says and does and who she is. Making this distinction is one of the hallmarks of being a mature adult. I’m not saying it’s easy to accomplish but it is necessary. Teens need to understand that some of their behaviours are unacceptable, perhaps even dangerous, but who they are fundamentally is still worthy, to be respected and lovable.
Which brings me to her boyfriend. A guy who is sleeping in and constantly missing school is making a statement to the world. He is engaged in a behaviour that is designed to send someone a message about what he believes about himself. You don’t mention whether this boy has a father in his life. But, I know from first-hand experience that many teenage boys, who are without a father active and present in their lives, will say and do things which send a message that “no one cares about me,” to the world. And perhaps this is your daughter’s bond to him. Her love says she cares. If you want to help your daughter; help the boyfriend.
Dale Curd is a counselor and a leading authority on men. He helps clients individually, in groups, and on GuyTalk, Sunday evenings at 9 p.m. (EST) on NEWSTALK 1010. Email Dale your questions at dale@dalecurd.com, or twitter.com/dalecguyexpert.
