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Our Son is Draining Our Savings!
Author : Dale Curd, Guy Talk Category : Mens Health
Our 42 year old son has borrowed money from us ($120,000) for a variety of business ideas that have all failed. I’m sick of it, but my husband continues to give him money anytime he asks. I’m afraid our son will drain our savings and retirement. What can I say to my husband to get him to say no to our son? PW, Ottawa
Well, for starters you could say, “I get really sick when I see you give our son our money and I think he is going to drain our savings and our retirement.” I imagine you’ve said something similar to your husband but have you tried being really direct with him? Most men appreciate direct communication because it’s the way we communicate and connect with each other and it’s been the communication style that works best when you have to get something done. Communicating in this way means stripping away a lot of colour in your language and working to get across the truth as you know it. Direct communication also means removing all your interpretations or stories as to your son’s motivation for asking for money and your husband’s for giving it to him. Rather, you only state what’s true for you.
This type of conversation also gives you an opportunity to tell your husband, (and your son), that you clearly have a boundary around money. Every relationship needs to be a container for, and hold sacred, each individual’s personal boundaries. Your money boundaries need to be communicated to your husband clearly so he understands where you stand and I imagine how powerless you feel when he breaks or crosses this boundary by continually lending the money to your son.
Lastly, although you haven’t mentioned it in your letter, I’m interpreting by your words that your son has not paid any of this money back. If this is true then it’s time to sit the two of them down and find out why. The more transparent and open this conversation becomes the less likely your husband and son will try to hide, or make secretive their behaviour going forward.
Men only have a hard or difficult time saying ‘no,’ when either they see themselves in the ‘one-down’ position relative to the other person, or they feel ashamed of how they have behaved in the relationship and they’re trying to ‘payback,’ for shortcomings.
Dale Curd is a counselor, host of GuyTalk on Newstalk 1010, and a leading authority on men. Email Dale your questions at dale@dalecurd.com. www.dalecurd.com
