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Pornography Has Ruined My Sex Life
Author : Rebecca Rosenblat, Sex Therapist Category : Sex
Dear Rebecca
I’m a twenty-something male, who masturbated to porn quite extensively through the teen years, like any normal teen boy. And I couldn’t wait to be old enough to have real sex with real women. Of course when the time came, I became highly disappointed, since it was nothing like what you see in porn, and none of the girls had a clue around how I like to be touched. So I decided to go to a professional – she was certainly a lot more experienced, and willing to do whatever I wanted. As such, my sex life started to consist of masturbating to porn, and the odd call girl here and there, whenever I could afford it. The problem is, I can’t afford it any longer, and it’s driving me absolutely crazy – almost to the point where I can’t think of anything beyond finding a way to get my next fix. Do you think that I’m sex addict?
Jake
Dear Jake,
There’s lots going on with you. First of all, porn has completely skewed the way you look at sex – real life doesn’t consist of ever-willing, perfect bodies, raring to do whatever you desire, expecting nothing in return. Furthermore, the touch that goes along with the peep and tweak has been perfected to an art form, since you know exactly how to get yourself off – no one else knows your body as well as you do, or has had as much practice pleasuring it as you have. Finally, your sexual experiences are limited to encounters that separate love and sex. It goes to reason then, a regular relationship isn’t going to do it for you. Beyond that, there’s the whole issue of whether or not you’re addicted. From what you’ve told me, Jake, it appears that may well be the case. For something to be an addiction, it has to have a desperate, compulsive, out of control component, which takes over other areas of one’s life, even though they don’t want it to. As such, the addict ends up hurting themselves as well as others – i.e. the addict becomes both the hurricane and the house it destroys. What makes sex addiction especially challenging is:
1. An inability to avoid the addictive substance. Unlike other addictions, where one can try to avoid the addictive substance altogether, a sex addict can’t be expected to quit sex for life – they have to learn to manage it wisely.
2. Nature of the beast. Sex addiction isn’t so much about frequency as it is about seeking out inappropriate sexual behaviors.
3. Unquenchable thirst. Since sex addiction is about desire, not satiety, neither sexual fulfillment nor an orgasm can quench the thirst – the addict is thus always on the lookout for their next fix.
4. Narcissism. Sex addicts are often narcissistic, so the closer they feel to their partner, the greater their search for partner-replacement, since they can’t tolerate them becoming such a huge force in their existence.
5. Risk taking. Sex addiction often involves dissociation, so any willing body will do in a moment of desperation, making the addict take huge risks.
So exactly how common is sex addiction? Eight percent of men and three percent of women are diagnosed with Compulsive Hyper-sexuality Disorder – the term that most therapists use to refer to it. Speaking of therapists, depending upon the etiology a therapist subscribes to, the treatment of choice can range anywhere from drugs to talk therapy, 12 step programs and Sex Addicts Anonymous groups to formal sex rehab programs. Personally, while I see the merit in most forms of therapy, and feel that the type of therapy that works should be a function of the individual versus the therapist, I have a hard time sending someone to Sex Addicts Anonymous, where they could become entangled with co-addicts, as they swim in a sea of opportunities. I’d rather see them in a same gender, group therapy situation, where they can share their problems with others going through the same thing – shame, intimacy issues, secrecy, guilt, and more – versus suffering alone in an isolated existence. For extreme cases, Sex Rehab is a good option, with a five stage program.
1. Evaluation. Once the addict is stripped off anything that might turn them on – porn, toys, etc – they undergo a detailed evaluation of every aspect of their life, not just sexual behaviors.
2. Confrontation. Since addicts suffer from distorted thinking – minimizing, justifying, rationalizing everything – their beliefs are examined and confronted, so they can see how their behavior has made their life unmanageable. From there, they’re held accountable for future choices.
3. Grief. A sex addict needs to grieve a lot of things, including, broken trust, relationship problems, hurts, losses, trauma, neglect, past abuse, and the addiction itself, since it helped them escape life and cope with stressors via a sexual lens.
4. Relapse prevention. Treatment helps addicts isolate their triggers and develop concrete tools to deal with anxiety and emotional pain in non-sexual ways. It addresses both the addiction as well as the underlying causes – there’s little hope of treating the addiction unless the underlying trauma is addressed.
5. Integration. Living life on life’s terms, without returning to sexually acting out, is the primary task of the program. The intense program thus teaches how to handle day-to-day challenges and temptations that are yet to come, emphasizing that recovery is a lifetime process, where sexuality is expressed in healthy ways, with integrity.
So lots to think about, Jake, but recognizing that you might have a problem is a great place to start. I sincerely hope that you’ll follow up with professional help, so you can enjoy meaningful, intimate relationships.
Rebecca
