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Sexual Anorexia
Author : Rebecca Rosenblat, Sex Therapist Category : Sex
Dear Rebecca,
Whenever I'm in a serious relationship, I do whatever I can to avoid sex. It's not like I lack desire or find men to be offensive - sex is quite enjoyable in fact, when I'm with virtual strangers - but the very thought of sex with someone I care about makes me physically ill. It's cost me many a relationship, since I go to extremes to dodge sex - going to bed earlier or later than my partner, feigning pain or fatigue, bringing work home, and worst of all, picking a fight. I don't understand it - I wasn't raised to hate sex, was never abused, and although I wasn't close to my parents, dad and I did bond, while commiserating over mom's alcoholism. As such, it's really hard for me to understand what's going on. I wanna change this pattern – please help me!
Whenever I'm in a serious relationship, I do whatever I can to avoid sex. It's not like I lack desire or find men to be offensive - sex is quite enjoyable in fact, when I'm with virtual strangers - but the very thought of sex with someone I care about makes me physically ill. It's cost me many a relationship, since I go to extremes to dodge sex - going to bed earlier or later than my partner, feigning pain or fatigue, bringing work home, and worst of all, picking a fight. I don't understand it - I wasn't raised to hate sex, was never abused, and although I wasn't close to my parents, dad and I did bond, while commiserating over mom's alcoholism. As such, it's really hard for me to understand what's going on. I wanna change this pattern – please help me!
Valerie
Dear Valerie,
It must be just awful living that way. And from what you’ve shared, your childhood sounds troubled as well – you had an unavailable mom, and a dad who dumped family problems on you, instead of protecting you from them. When a child’s raised in an environment of neglect, rejection, inconsistent parenting, sexual exploitation or oppression, he or she may try to manage their pain by avoiding intimate attachments that could make them overly dependent upon someone. Such kids can grow up into adults who develop Sexual Anorexia – a term used to describe a loss of "appetite" for sex, in a loving relationship. It’s not an aversion to sex itself, just intimacy in an emotional context. Just as food anorexics deny their appetite, avoid food, and may develop a hatred for it and the body that demands it, sexual anorexics can have a similar reaction to sex, as soon as they become attached to someone. Sometimes the feeling’s so overwhelming that they can literally feel sick, to the point of having a panic attack or throwing up. These individuals are so emotionally fragile that the risk of rejection is far more frightening than being isolated. A more serious form of this condition is referred to as Sexual Aversion Disorder, where the individual finds sex to be downright repulsive, without exception, and will thus avoid genital contact at all cost, and end up in severe psychological distress if they experience it. Either way, above and beyond all the suffering one endures, they end up affecting their partner as well, by making them feel undesirable, forcing unhealthy celibacy onto them, or giving them a sense of entitlement to porn, masturbation, or extramarital sex. That said, there’s good news – sexual anorexia can be addressed. Treatment is aimed at:
· helping the sufferer see the world in less black and white terms
· encouraging the sufferer to take calculated risks with activities that’ll challenge their distorted thinking, as their emotional needs are met within proper boundaries
· teaching the sufferer about their condition, as well as its cause
· assisting the sufferer in developing healthy relationship skills, via ongoing treatment in various stages
The process is most beneficial if the partner can participate, since it allows the couple to agree to specific sexual contracts, that’ll regulate their sex life, counteracting the sabotages which occur when sex is combined with intimacy, in the context of an emotional relationship. Once the individual sees the benefits to a healthy, multifaceted relationship, they’ll be able to enjoy intimacy in a loving setting. That said, it’s important to note that the issue is with the sexual anorexic, not their partner, since it remains no matter who they’re with. It has to do with an intimate wounding in their childhood years, which they try to fix, by working hard at earning their partner’s validation and approval, since they cast them in the role of a surrogate parent – but who wants to do their parent? FYI, while most cases of sexual anorexia are brought on by parental wounding, some cases can result from a devastating rejection or trauma – such as date rape – that resulted in subsequent avoidance behavior. Either way, if you think you might be suffering from sexual anorexia, it’s time to talk to a professional. Once you take “ownership” of the condition, you can start the healing and prevent further damage. So I encourage you to start the process right away, and I wish you great success with it!
