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Why Men Cheat
Author : Rebecca Rosenblat, Sex Therapist Category : Sex
Dear Rebecca,
I’m a 36 year old woman, who’s just about given up on relationships. Why? Because every guy I’ve ever been seriously involved with has cheated on me. So my question to you is, do ALL guys cheat – or am I doing something wrong to push them into it? I’d be willing to try out just about anything to affair-proof my relationships.
Brenda
Dear Brenda,
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had so many bad experiences, but I can assure you that not all guys cheat. As for what you’re doing wrong, other than maybe being drawn to a particular kind of guy, I don’t want you blaming yourself, because an affair is an active choice made by the individual who cheats, not something their partner causes. That said, the reality is, there are definitely certain factors that predispose men to making that choice – but it’s still their choice – such as:
1. Emotional Dissatisfaction. It’s the most common reason for cheating, as reported by 60% of men.
2. Sexual Dissatisfaction. Contrary to popular belief, only half as many men cheat due to sexual reasons – majority of whom complained of infrequency, some of unsatisfactory sex, and a small minority said their partner had let herself go. Expecting your partner to stay in a sexless marriage is as ridiculous as him wanting you to stay in a loveless one.
3. Neglect. Many men feel that once their wife gets wrapped up with kids and household stuff, everything seems more important than them.
4. A No-Win Feeling. Guys are trained to focus on winning – if they feel they can’t win at a situation, they don’t see the purpose behind trying. So if he feels he can never get it right, he’ll stop trying.
5. Lack of Appreciation. For some reason, our culture decided that when people do what they’re supposed to, it isn’t worthy of praise. But mutual appreciation is one of the most important ways of affair-proofing a relationship.
6. Constant Complaining. It’s important to ask for what you want, instead of complaining about what you’re not getting. It is said, “If you want to kill a marriage outright, have an affair; if you want to slowly bludgeon it to death, nag and complain consistently” – not sure what’s worse!
7. Ignored Needs. Many men have shared with me that their wives think their needs are childish and ignore them. But just because you ignore his needs doesn’t mean they’ll go away.
8. Outside Influences. Studies show that men who cheat tend to have a lot more friends and family members who’ve cheated, than men who don’t cheat. So it’s important to surround yourself with people who won’t “normalize” cheating.
9. Lack of Respect. This can go in either direction – either the man feels his wife doesn’t respect him, or he stops respecting her, because of how she acts.
10. Overall Disconnection. If you don’t make an effort, it’s easy to grow apart. The average North American couple spends 12 minutes a day chatting with each other, when they need at least 45 minutes every other day, and a date night every week (that lasts a minimum of two hours), where they just connect – chat about something other than kids, finances and chores; enjoy a regular, fun activity together; or just read side by side, snuggled into each other, if they’re tired.
That said, Brenda, I do want to emphasize that these rules apply in the other direction as well, and not all guys who get their buttons pushed in these ways will respond by cheating, just as some guys will do that even if none of those buttons are being pushed – one in ten cheaters, to be exact. Bleak as that sounds, the odds are still in your favor, since the other nine out to ten claimed that they wouldn’t have cheated if one or more of the aforementioned reasons didn’t come into play. Bottom line, if things aren’t right between you two, your relationship isn’t affair-proof – it doesn’t make it right, but the reality is, it could happen, so change the circumstances and you’ll more than likely change the outcome!
Rebecca
